Frustrated Failure

Here is my story:

I am 20 years old and I am a sophomore at a music school in Minnesota.  I am a Christian. I want my faith in Jesus Christ to be the number one in my life.

I have been struggling with Anorexia since my senior year in high school (2010).

I danced from 4th grade all throughout high school until I was a senior. My senior year, I quit dance in order to pursue my music. I had always had a problem with body image and so when I stopped dancing and exercising 15+ hours a week, all of my weird thoughts started coming back.

Height: 5'7''
Weight:145 lbs

At the time, I was taking Adderall for ADD. I knew I didn't need it, but I kept taking it because it curved my appetite. I was never hungry. Despite what it was doing to my mind, I continued to take it. I stopped taking that medication because my doctor said that I couldn't take it anymore because of how depressed I was getting.

Instead of taking the pills to not make me hungry, I just stopped eating. I cut back on everything. For one week, all I ate was one Wheat Thin a day. I lost ten pounds. It was then that I realized that something was wrong with me. I told my best friend, at the time, that I needed help.

He told my mom (with my permission) and my mom started looking into therapists in the area who could help me. I went to two. Both were a joke. They didn't understand what I was going through and what my mind was telling me. I would just leave frustrated my mom and the therapist I was talking to.

You see, in my head, eating was equivalent to failure. They didn't get it.

I decided that I needed to be healthy again. So I was. Sort of.

I began to eat normally and function as a normal person.  I didn't think anything of it.

I started dating a boy named Adam. He was amazing. We dated a few months into the summer before I left for college. He made me feel beautiful. I ate when I was with him. Anorexia was the furthest thing from my mind. I gained weight. The number never changed, but I gained mass.

It wasn't until I ran into an ex of mine that I realized that things were getting out of hand. This ex told me that my ass had gotten larger and that he thought that Adam would have helped me to work it off.  It was a slap in the face.

I went off to college worried about my weight again.

I met another guy named Adam at school. I fell for him right away. We were crazy about each other and thought that we would get married one day. He was the one for sure, so I gave my virginity to him.

And then Ana stepped in. We would constantly fight about my eating problems. It made him so angry. I would end up crying about everything and he would end up steaming mad. We broke up because I was curious about sleeping with other men and because neither of us felt that God was the number one for us anymore.

I had sex with three guys in the week after Adam (my so-called future husband) and I broke up.

Weight: 150

((SIDE STORY))
~~~Mat and I were friends for a long time. He was two years younger than me, but his maturity level was like no other junior in high school's maturity level. When I was a senior, he and I fooled around a few times. He was the best kisser I had ever kissed, so I was very excited to hang out with him now that I was single (and ready to mingle). While I dated Adam (#2), Mat and Maegen, my best friend, developed feelings for eachother. I was fine with that. I was HAPPY for the two of them. I was really angry when Mat abandoned Maegen. She was so angry at him and she expected me to be mad too. The only reason I was mad was because I knew that she wouldn't want me to hang out with him.

I was wrong. She said that she didn't care if he and I hung out. She made me promise that I wouldn't sleep with him.

I slept with Mat.

I betrayed my best friend to have bad sex with a guy whose penis was no larger than my middle finger. She will never find out. I will never tell her.~~~

I was so nervous to go back to school. I wanted to look thinner than ever before, so I started restricting again. I'm not sure how much I lost, but I thought that I looked GREAT. I was so excited when my friends invited me to a pool party at their apartment building. No one seemed to notice that I had lost weight, and I took that as a challenge.

The night before the pool party, I met a drummer named Fraser Wills. He is from England. A HOT BRIT. Boy, was he hot. He was amazing. We shared our first kiss on a stage in the town of our college. Can you say romantic? The best part about him was his faith. He helped me to realize that I wasn't saved. I was so consumed in sin: cutting back on food and sleeping around. He made a huge impact on my life. I told him about my eating disorder within one week of knowing him. He started praying for me.

I recommitted my life to Christ with Fraser. The moment I did that, my Anorexia disappeared without a trace. I no longer saw the flaws; I saw the beauty in my body and my soul. I was really serious about God and I devoted my life to him. I was a walking example. I even started to lose weight. (Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. --Psalm 37:4)

When Fraser and I broke up, something switched. I immediately began to see the same images I was seeing before: fat, rolls, flubber, the worst words ever. I started to notice how poorly my clothes were fitting me. So, as you can probably guess, I stopped eating three meals a day.  Then, I got the flu. I threw up 10 times in six hours. I lost 10 pounds in the one day and I loved it. It triggered me. I began looking up Pro Ana sites and blogs. I found one that I really liked. Ana Regzig. She was also a Christian, so I felt like I could relate to her.

Weight: 140

I decided to fast for a few days to cut off some poundage. I didn't eat for a day and it went really well (I wasn't tired) so I tried to go another day without putting any calories in my body. I drank water only, until about 5:00 PM. I broke down and ate a bagel with peanut butter. The next day, I fasted again, drinking only water and coffee. The day after that, a salad, cookie, and a burrito from Chipotle. I was so angry with myself that day. When I weighed myself the morning after, I weighed 137. I had gotten all the way down to 133.



Now, you are all caught up. I am me today. I am home for Christmas break and it sucks. My parents know about my Anorexia and so does my best friend. Maegen. She actually yelled at me yesterday when she found out that I hadn't eaten all day and made me eat some food for dinner. I ate one bread stick from Papa John's and an inch-by-inch piece of pizza.

Today, I woke up and weighed myself. 137. ugh. GROSS! Then, I ate three fucking cookies. I didn't eat all day and was out and about walking around to burn calories off my fat ass. I got home and had a salad (lettuce, ham, turkey, egg, craisins, manderin oranges, provolone cheese, raspberry vinagrete) and a crunchy peanut butter sandwich, a few pretzel flats, 5 chewy cookies. To say the least, I FUCKING KILLED MY NUMBER. I also forgot that I had two scoops of peppermint bonbon ice cream.

Mark my words, I will be at the gym running for ages tonight. If I weigh more than 135 tomorrow morning, I will cry.

I wear a rubberband on my wrist. Here are the rules:
5 snaps for hunger pains.
10-15 snaps for actually eating.

I like the pain it causes me. I also like the lines it leaves. :)
My purity ring is loose on my finger and none of my pants fit me. I can wear a size 4.

If there is anyone reading this, I hope that you will find inspiration in my writing. I know how you are feeling fatties...When I read about people eating half a cup of frozen grapes (only 60 calories), I freak out. How can they eat that many calories?! It's repulsive.

I will fast for two days because of my failure today. I want YOU to hold me accountable.

Now, it's gym time.

Starve on fellow lovelies!